Back in January, while I was awaiting a diagnosis that turned out to be breast cancer, I gazed out over London from Parliament Hill on Hampstead Heath, and wrote a poem (too personal to share here, I feel) about the alienation I felt from even those most loved and closest to me as I faced an uncertain future.
A lot has happened since then – two lots of surgery, which seem to have been successful, and now I’m faced with the prospect of chemotherapy to stop it coming back. Is it worth going through a hellish few months for a 9% improvement in my survival prospects ten years down the line? You reach a point when, even though in theory you can withhold consent, the decision develops its own feeling of inevitability. I’ve been offered the choice of enrolling in a major study that will offer me the chance to make this decision easier for thousands of future patients, many of whom probably don’t need chemo. But to do that, I have to enter a randomised trial and accept that my own chance of being allocated to the group that does go through it, whether I need to or not, is around 70%.
I think it will help for me to know I’m doing something valuable and useful. It will make it easier to face the cancelled holidays, the side effects and the inevitable, public changes in my appearance. Please don’t call me brave. It just seems sensible.
All this brings me to a second London hill poem, the Antipodes of the one on Parliament Hill. Last week I visited Greenwich and saw that same panoramic view from the south. I was also struck forcibly by many beautiful but problematic emblems of English imperialism. I am English, I want to love my country without shame, but I understand how difficult that can be when some of its most attractive structures (both physical and political; the two are closely linked) are so contentious.
We all have to decide where we stand, which way we jump. We may get it right, we may not, and sometimes all you can do is record how the moment of choice felt, with all its ambiguity. That is what I was thinking about when I wrote this poem.
What confidence – presumption, even to think you can order a planet like that to set a standard, tell the world the measures it must follow Centuries smooth the contours of war The victors tell history, ordering others and making all seem natural But victor and vanquished alike are forged in new proximity Up on this sacred hill of Empire, there’s the sound of beats the lingering aroma of weed and a multicultural crowd enjoying the rolling sward below What do they think of all of this, our planted certainty that we have earned the right to define everyone’s reality, their own included? Ah, but what a view, a sight to make even a liberal like me, say “Suck it up, we won,” in half-conviction. The Enlightenment was not all bad, What did the Georgians do for us? Order, clarity, symmetry, pomp are still seductive values. Time demands decision, choice, the occasional leap in the dark, based on the worship of capricious deity or evidence of progress, which in itself is good, though sometimes questionably financed. So here I stand, right in the middle of the empire of my sureties, one foot on either line of choice. I’ve come thus far, I am content to gaze, sun-warmed, on this great city, thinking of the journey made so far, the twists that obscure distance, shape the view, It still looks pretty good to me. I’ll question it afresh tomorrow. Greenwich, 8.5.22