If your planet or species is in immanent peril, please press 1
If you are a megalomaniac dictator planning to take over the universe i’ll get back to you after I’ve finished this really rather nice cup of tea.
If you are enquiring about future companion opportunities please call back after Stephen Moffatt has rebooted the show.
If you’re waiting outside the stage door in Stratford on Avon try coming back last year
If you’re one of my people, it wasn’t me. I knew nothing about it. Honest
If you’re calling to enquire about a sentence I didn’t finish, or you were born in blood, war and fire, please hold while I transfer you to another universe
And if your name is Jack Harkness, I think it’s time you came and collected your pterodactyl. I’m almost out of chocolate and that’s a real emergency
Your call will be answered as soon as possible. The end of your world is very important to us.