The Unofficial Children in Need Special

It’s a long time since I did a good skit, and it beats working for a living.

Yes, there are spoilers. But nothing after S3.

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THE UNOFFICIAL CHILDREN IN NEED SPECIAL

(In which an unexpected visitor leads Our Hero back to his OTL and considerably lightens the tone of the forthcoming narrative)

FIVE: There’s nothing to you, young man. You look like you’ve been living on celery. Not been chasing around after the Daleks again, have you? You need to get yourself a nice young woman to look after you. And tell you that blue isn’t your colour. Not in this incarnation anyway.

TEN: (emo) I’d forgotten what a tactless git I was. No wonder they all leave me.

FIVE: Oh come on now, there’s no need to brood. It’s a wonderful life, chasing around the universe getting into mischief, bumping into yourself….

TEN: Gets lonely after a while, though. Particularly since the…. (shuts up quickly).

FIVE: (coughing tactfully) How about Romana, is she still pottering around in E-space?

TEN: I wouldn’t know. Haven’t seen the old girl for years. Anyway, I’ve got my hands full with this old girl – she’s just been cannibalized and used as a paradox machine.

FIVE: Dear me, I suppose that was the Master again. I’ll have to have a word with him. Time he got his own TARDIS if he’s going to mess about like that. It’s just not cricket.

TEN: (lapsing into a full-blown emo moment) You can’t. He’s dead. Really dead this time. Hated me so much he wouldn’t even regenerate to please me.

FIVE – That’s harsh. So you really are the last of the Time Lords now?

TEN: (suspiciously) I never said anything about that. And don’t start digging. You’ll be sorry. I’ve just sorted out one bloody great paradox and I don’t want another on my hands just because you start interfering and decide to prevent the complete annihilation of Gallifrey…….(covers eyes and bangs head against controls). Oh, shit!

FIVE: (cautiously coming over to pat TEN) Oh, there, there, don’t take it so hard. Gallifrey’s been annihilated before. It’ll turn up somewhere, you’ll see. Always does. That’s what I said to Rose.

TEN: (inevitably) WHAAT?

FIVE: Didn’t I mention I’d met an old friend of yours? If old’s the right word…..it’s probably just me but they seem to be getting younger all the time. Why don’t we pop over and look her up? No Time Lords around these days to throw the rule book at us. She asked me to pop in on you if I could……she was worrying, see. Thought maybe you weren’t eating properly.

TEN: There’s just one teeny weeny problem.

FIVE: Oh?

TEN: There’s a cruise liner stuck halfway through the wall of the control room. Didn’t you notice on the way in?

FIVE: (blinking) Good Lord, fancy me missing that. Maybe I should get my eyes tested. I’m getting a bit too old to be worrying about whether women fancy me in glasses. Oh, but I’m sure that’s nothing a quick Christmas Special couldn’t solve. Where’s the DNA lever?

TEN: I had it taken out after the Frankenstein incident. Took a bit of explaining, that did.

FIVE: Not that one. Disasters Narrowly Averted.

TEN: Oh, that one. Where Romana stashed the Timeonic Fusion Device. It’s probably still there. Good job the Master didn’t find it. D’you know, he ditched the beard? I could never get used to him without a beard. And he nicked the TARDIS and enslaved the human race, and aged me a thousand years…

FIVE: (sympathetically) That’s a lot to sort out in 45 minutes. Hope you didn’t resort to the reset button. We’d never have done that in my day. Wisecracks, celery and a quick polarity reversal –  we had to make our own entertainment back then. Couldn’t just switch channels if the world went to hell in a handbasket, oh no…….

TEN: (suddenly bouncing around in excitable avoidance mode) You know, it might be easier if we used your TARDIS. Just for old times’ sake. I like white. Minimalist. And hexagons. Nothing like a good hexagon, is there?

FIVE: Sorry, no can do. That’s why I’m here. Wanted to ask a favour of you.

TEN: What’s that?

FIVE (looking embarrassed) The angels have the phone box. I was wondering if I could get a lift home?

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5 thoughts on “The Unofficial Children in Need Special

  1. ROFL! Brilliant!!
    You need to get yourself a nice young woman to look after you. And tell you that blue isn’t your colour. Not in this incarnation anyway.
    I wholeheartedly agree!
    FIVE: (sympathetically) That’s a lot to sort out in 45 minutes. Hope you didn’t resort to the reset button. We’d never have done that in my day. Wisecracks, celery and a quick polarity reversal – we had to make our own entertainment back then. Couldn’t just switch channels if the world went to hell in a handbasket, oh no…….
    I like this Five! *hehe*
    *hehe*

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